Now Playing: My Solution To Hollywood’s Creative Crisis

My Solution To Hollywood’s Creative Crisis

With the recent release of The Hangover Part II, a shameless scene-for-scene carbon copy of the original, and with the latest news that both Spiderman and Harry Potter are due for respective reboots before the paint has even dried from their last movie’s billboards, it seems like Hollywood is having a bit of a creative crisis, a hiccup in originality. Just one look at what’s cluttering up the current box office shows how bad it’s gotten: a prequel to Planet of The Apes, a remake of 1985’s Fright Night, a weak redeux of Conan The Barbarian which is as laughable as Conan The O’brien, and the once extinct Smurfs getting another breath of life. Oh and let’s not forget about the fourth installment of the stale Spy Kids and a fifth Final Destination.

It’s so rare, anymore that theaters are showing something truly innovative and different like Terrance Malik’s Tree of Life, Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan or Woody Allen’s Midnight In Paris. These fine films are instead buried amongst the rubble of Hollywood’s fallen creative structures. But I think studios just needs some new blood, some fresh suggestions from the outside.

And so here are a few ideas that might help rejuvenate Hollywood and let it shoot its creative juices all over a few upcoming productions, taking them from feces to features, from garbage to gold.

Glee: The Movie/Transformers 4/Bruno 2

With the success of Glee 3D it seems inevitable that studios will crank out another film adaptation of the popular series. But what the song and dance-number routine-laden show has always been missing are explosions, robots, penises and, of course, exploding robot penises. Why not combine the inevitable remakes, put Michael Bay’s “I like to make things go BOOM,” sophomoric minded-ass at the helm and watch the Glee cast run around in terror—and in song—as they try to elude death from alien transforming beings and a bizarre British mockumentarist.

Hitchcock Sort of Presents Angry Birds: The Movie

The famed iPhone game actually has its own movie in the works, which is almost certain to end up being a horrible animated adaptation, but what if you put it in the hands of a young auteur hungry to emulate the Master of Suspense and rehash one of horror’s greatest films? Imagine it as a retelling of The Birds, the Hitchcock classic. The new one will, in honor of its predecessor, be shot completely in black and white, but the winged killers, this time, will be the cartooned characters that anyone with a Smart Phone has spent hours catapulting across their screen. Watch them fly full speed into buildings and random passerbys consumed by their electronic PDA’s, completely unaware of their impending doom.

Madeallin

We all know Tyler Perry pumps out more grotesque parodies of African American culture than all the Wayans brothers combined. But what if we strapped Madea with a mean mustache and an armory of munitions? Pablo Escobar’s rise to power in the Columbian cartel has yet to be justly portrayed on film. Could Perry do it? Hells no, but a similar film nearly killed the careers of everyone on Entourage and maybe it could finally end the reign of Perry here in the real world. Hulalura. Ya Herrrrrd?

Adam Sandler in Die Schneider, Die

Remember when Adam Sandler was funny? Has his career died or was Billy Madison only good because, at the time, we were fighting our way through puberty? I can’t really be certain, but what I am sure of is that if not for Sandler, Rob Schneider would not have a career (oh what a sweet alternate reality that would be). Sandller is the only thing keeping the man alive and so how ironic (read: artistic) would it be for him to kill Rob Schneider. I mean really kill him. Imagine it as The Waterboy meets a snuff film. It will have all the blood and gore of the hugely popular Saw films and, in the end, it will ensure a better America, ridding us of one of our worst actors. (And sparing us from another The Animal.)

Hangover Part III: The Story Behind The Story

Critics love meta-fiction (remember Stranger Than Fiction or Adaptation?) and Todd Phillips might be mentally retarded. Here’s the quick fix: Producers can get the entire cast together, pump them all full of tequila and Rohypnol. When they wake in the morning—posed in various states of humiliating disarray, Ken Jeong’s egg roll making its home on Ed Helms’ face—they will find the script missing with several clues as to where it might have gone. Watch as the real actors behind the series chase around Hollywood in a dehydrated and migrained mess searching for the lost script they were preparing to film. Spoiler Alert: When they find it, they’ll realize that it’s just the same exact script as Hangover I, only this time it’s being filmed in Jamaica. Brilliant, Phillips. Douche.

Take it or leave it Hollywood. These ones are on me.

Written By Jared Pulliam

  1. kenshiro28 reblogged this from dustjacketdispatch
  2. the-tyranny-of-evil-men reblogged this from dustjacketdispatch and added:
    A genuinely hilarious article and a testament to (some of) America’s frustration with Hollywood at the moment.
  3. dustjacketdispatch posted this
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