Dust Jacket Dispatch

A reader asks:If America had a royal family, who would it be?

Grant: American royalty?  Hmmm…there are plenty of ways to look at this.  People who crush others beneath their heels for personal gain?  A group that claims to act in the name of good and then commits every grievous offense known to man?  A family that offers nothing to the general public, yet is idolized on a regular basis for reasons no one can ever explain?  That would be every Jersey Shore alum, ladies and gentlemen.  They are seen as a higher class of Americans (because too many Americans are idiots), they are our ambassadors to foreign countries (who damage our already damaged image), and they have throngs of fans despite adding nothing of positive value to anyone, anywhere.

Jared: There is only one Royal family in my mind and the two stem from the banks of our founding colonies. We’ve all seen their beautiful proposal shining down on us from above 83 in Baltimore. They are the sign of hope and prosperity. Even more so, America. Mr. Boh and the Utz girl. What better than the marriage of beer and potato chips to define our great nation? God save the Boh!

At the age of forty-one, Matt Damon has got the world by the balls. In 2011 alone, he was in five movies, appeared in a recurring role on NBC’s 30 Rock and began work on his directorial debut; a dream of his for years now. And while he might very well be one of Hollywood’s most recognizable faces and marketable names, there is still quite a bit that most moviegoers don’t know about the charismatic Damon. Here’s a few:

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My Solution To Hollywood’s Creative Crisis

With the recent release of The Hangover Part II, a shameless scene-for-scene carbon copy of the original, and with the latest news that both Spiderman and Harry Potter are due for respective reboots before the paint has even dried from their last movie’s billboards, it seems like Hollywood is having a bit of a creative crisis, a hiccup in originality. Just one look at what’s cluttering up the current box office shows how bad it’s gotten: a prequel to Planet of The Apes, a remake of 1985’s Fright Night, a weak redeux of Conan The Barbarian which is as laughable as Conan The O’brien, and the once extinct Smurfs getting another breath of life. Oh and let’s not forget about the fourth installment of the stale Spy Kids and a fifth Final Destination.

It’s so rare, anymore that theaters are showing something truly innovative and different like Terrance Malik’s Tree of Life, Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan or Woody Allen’s Midnight In Paris. These fine films are instead buried amongst the rubble of Hollywood’s fallen creative structures. But I think studios just needs some new blood, some fresh suggestions from the outside.

And so here are a few ideas that might help rejuvenate Hollywood and let it shoot its creative juices all over a few upcoming productions, taking them from feces to features, from garbage to gold.

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The Big, Phony, Beautiful World (According To Hollywood)

When I was first rendered (at least temporarily) a practical invalid by some sort of backwards Thai flu, I looked painfully into my predictable future: a week—maybe two—spent pinned to my couch by the weight of congestion, an existence (if you would call it that) of being relegated to channel-surfing and sucking down the occasional bowl of soup. It was awful, I thought (and it was), but I have to admit that it wasn’t all bad. At least I learned something from the experience.

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